Online Dating really dirty
After the weird text message that I didn’t pay attention to and the false sense that the girl actually might want to go on another date from me I got a phone call from the police the next day. The conversation went like this
Officer: Hello is this VK?
Me: yes, How can I help you
Officer: Where you in Adams Morgan this past weekend on Friday night?
Me: yes I was
Officer: Ok, there was a shooting and witnesses saw your vehicle (he described my jeep). Do you mind if we come take a look at it to see if there was any evidence or clues we can pick up from it.
Me: Sure no problem.
Officer: just give me your address and I’ll stop by tomorrow.
Me: will do, I can come back on my lunch break and have you take a look at it
Now at this time I didn’t watch enough Law and Order SVU to know I was being set up to the fifth degree. God I was such a fucking idiot. I came home the next day on my lunch break and the officer knocked on my door. It’s very important to note that he was a black detective old school cat, calm but direct. I asked him to come in and like a dumb ass if he wanted to look at my jeep.
Officer:Actually I’m here because of girl in the yellow Jacket. She claims she came home with you and doesn’t remember anything that happened. But they next day she complained of vaginal pain and suspected she had intercourse. She filled a report and I’m here to ask you some questions.
It took me a few seconds to put two and two together, like I retard I looked at him and said, “waaaaiiitttt whaaaaatttt, is she saying….. I raped her”. Wait RAPE RAPE! OH shit! It was like a punch to the nut sack. This went against everything I knew at that time about rape! I just survived the past four years getting girls to sleep with me by saying look at the frat letters on my chest. What happened over the weekend wasn’t like I was told rape would go down. Like in the movies you watched during sex ed. during high school Where Timmy ask Becky on a first date. Then they start making out in the back of his dads car. Timmy has had a little too much to drink and starts getting aggressive with becky and touches her boob. But Becky is a Christian girl and wants to wait till she’s married to be felt up. But Timmy is captain of the football team and used to dating the easy girl. Timmy gets on top of Becky and she screams “No Timmy, what are you doing….. not the butt cheeks”. And then nine months later Becky is pregnant and has to drop out of school and raise the baby by herself. Because the important lesson in that whole thing was not to drink and drive… anyway where were we….
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I looked at the officer and said straight up… I did not rape that girl. The officer looked at me and said, “calm down son, what I need you to do is tell me exactly everything and I mean every thing that happened that night. It may seem a little weird but if you don’t leave out any detail. We can get to the bottom of this” All I kept thinking was how fucked I was. I’m a young black guy being accused of raping a white chick…. IN FUCKING VIRGINIA… Do they still hang black people here… should I demand a Jewish lawyer…. could I afford a Jewish lawyer? Fuck probably not they’ll give me some Korean chick first year out of law school. I can’t go to jail have you seen my fucking lips I wouldn’t last two hours… I’m too fucking pretty for prison.

So I sat down at the kitchen table and told the officer exactly what happened. I made sure to point out that we shared the same drink and even told him he could see my bank account and what i spent that night (not sure what that would have done but seemed like a great idea at the time). I described the making out on the dance floor, the finger banging and the jerking off in the car. I described the sex and the positions and the dirty words we were saying to each other. Told him about the condoms. You’ve never sweated till you’ve been charged with rape and have to describe in detail how the sex was. All of the sudden that magical night of love making turned into something twisted and ugly. Officer brotha man took down notes.
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By the time I was done with my version of that night I was fucking pissed. There was no “stop” or “no” ever mentioned at any point. Officer brotha man stopped writing and for the first time the smallest of a smirk came on his face. Then he sorta rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. He said something along the lines of,
“You have nothing to worry about, the way you describe the events of that night does not constitute the definition of rape. You’d be surprised how many calls we get like this on a Monday morning that we have to follow up on. We saw the text message so we were sure a sexual encounter did in fact happen. But it’s a simple story of a young lady who drank more than she intended and not remember exactly what she did…. We’ll let her know what happened.”

Relieved and still a little pissed we just chit chatted a while. He let me know about some of the sting operations they usually set up on guys where the record the girl calling the dude and asking him why he didn’t stop when she told him to stop. Sometimes guys do incriminate themselves and admit to the rape other times some of them just ask the girl what the fuck is she talking about. My lunch break was over and I walked him to the door. His parting words to me were, man you gotta be careful out there, you’re a young brotha with a promising future. You have too much to lose.
So there you have it, how a bitch tried to stick me for my green. I should mention again that this was close to ten years ago. Things have changed and I do feel very lucky. Might have went a different way if it was a white cop. If this happened in this day and age I’d be blogging this from behind bars. I’m talking 24/7 lockdown, lights out! Night Night, phone check, mess line, bunk beds son!
I often think about the girl in the yellow jacket that night. At first I felt sorry for her but over the years finding out that I’m not alone and this type of shit happens every day. Now I wish she finds a guy who shows her what real rape is all about. I’m talking ski mask, duct tape, rope, and a plunger. If there’s one thing any of you guys should take away from this post it’s this… if you fuck American girls… GET A FUCKING JEWISH LAWYER ON RETAINER. Real talk